Sober

I am 1 year, 8 months, and a couple weeks sober as of this writing. I think that’s pretty cool. (Actually, I’m now 3 years and 3 months sober as of publishing. That’s how long this has been in the drafts. 2ish years of self-doubt might be a new record!)

I’ve discussed my current status with alcohol without hesitation to those around me physically, but aside from some shared memes and a detail here and there, I haven’t really had the chance to dig into it in this little digital corner of my world. Forgive me if my voice is shaky, for this is all… unique. Delicate? Complex? It’s something. In honesty, I’m also a little jaded in terms of reactions to any mention of sobriety. People tend to get uncomfortable when you say “No, it’s not that I’m not drinking. I don’t drink. But thank you … again!” after they’ve offered you a beverage for the third time.

I’ve gone into no-drinking mode throughout my adult life but never in an official manner. It was always more an “I am tired of hangovers, nor do I have the time to have them” thing. There simply wouldn’t be a reason to drink for a couple of months. I’d realize (remember?) each time how incredible it was. Getting up before everyone else, enjoying that period of peace and productivity? BLISS! But eventually there were occasions and seasons that’d beckon me to join with a drink in hand. It was never a big deal to go back or to stop again. Just the ebbs and flows of life.

In this era, I’ve stopped drinking on purpose, which already makes it stand out from times past. In 2019, I started taking a medication that can have scary side effects all on its own, and drinking—as with most medications—can intensify and/or increase the chance of those side effects. It seemed the most logical (and easy) decision to cut out the booze. I imagined I would indulge myself with a glass sometimes, but then… I just didn’t. I just didn’t for longer and longer. I realized somewhere along the way I had become intentionally sober. I had actively made the decision at some point to turn down even a sip of alcohol, and I did not plan to retreat from that mindset. It wasn’t just happenstance this time; it was my choice. It’s still my choice.

I was speaking with another sober friend once, discussing how weird it is to want a drink without actually wanting to drink. There can be times when we simply feel left out, so we want to drink only to be included, not because the drink itself calls to us.

Personally, sometimes watching certain movies or tv shows can make me want a drink. The camera glamorizes the experience so much it essentially hypnotizes me into thinking “oh man, that looks like the definition of peak human existence”. But I know it’s not. (Often, QUITE the opposite.) And that’s why the soberness persists. Mostly.

One day it crossed my mind that maybe nostalgia is the deepest cause for any residual longing I have to drink. I’m an incredibly nostalgic human. If I were a tattoo person, I’d probably get “saudade” permanently penned somewhere to illustrate my perpetual sense of longing that surpasses missing something. For me, the memories are craved, not the substance. That was the nail in the coffin for me in terms of permanent sobriety. I guess you could say I found my “why”.

I don’t demonize drinking completely. I do admit I have, over time, gotten more vocal about my concern with drinking in general, but not because I think drinking itself is bad. What I believe CAN be bad is the amount of alcohol our culture has convinced us is okay to drink, as well as the behaviors that result from said amount. Don’t get me wrong; I will roast the fuck out of drinking culture given the space to do so, and I will be truthful if I see your behavior while drinking is problematic. But mostly, I really do try to give everyone the space and grace to imbibe as they please, because I remember.

I remember that while I did a lot of dumb, embarrassing, and sometimes regretful shit I still laugh/cringe over today, drinking was far from all bad. I remember a lot of things I did while drinking as turning points in positive ways! I stood up to people I didn’t have the balls to confront when I was sober. With a little liquid courage, I tried things that scared me that I’d always wanted to do. I said kind things I desperately wanted to share with kind people, and I said mean things to mean people that were DEEPLY deserved. I laughed and danced with friends new and old. While I regret none of that, I do and continue to look forward to living all of those same experiences minus the booze. There’s no reason I can’t. Sobriety does not equal death and boredom.

I’m still figuring things out, even 3 years into this journey. Should I drink a champagne toast on my wedding day? If I did, would I be able to walk away feeling okay with that, even if it’s just one glass for one BIG moment? It seems so small in the scope of things, but it feels so big in my head. Then there ARE the big things I simply don’t know. Do I belong in the sober community since this was a *choice*? I feel vaguely uncomfortable plopping myself into the middle of this space because I feel like I am invading sacred grounds on which I do not belong. There is this whole community outside of AA for people who don’t drink I never knew existed, but are those places allowed to be mine? So many people fought tooth and nail to get here from situations I’m privileged to have never experienced. I wouldn’t dare equate myself. I hope one day I feel like I’m no longer a stranger in a strange land. I am slowly finding more people like me, which helps. Baby steps, Bob… baby steps.